Lets Start with Allyssa!
We all know that the twins turned one years old. Of course I cried tons before hand so when the day came it all just became a day of smiles, fun, laughter and really just plain old joy! How can I be sad on a day that is really supposed to be happy. Life is about celebrating so I wanted to do just that! No need to reflect on the couple short months they spent in the hospital, I needed to reflect on their first smiles (about 8weeks old - adjusted) their first time sitting up (about 7months old for Allyssa and 5 months old for Austyn) first crawl was about 7months old for Austyn and about 9 months old for Allyssa. Triumphant glory. What a magical thought, what an amazing journey. In so many respects the winter went incredibly slow the changes incredibly challenging (for me starting up college again with preemies and an energetic 3 year old) but the infamous thought that everyone always says 'its not about where you're going its about how you get there'. Its a truthful statement, its why its so popular!
To be so proud, to feel so enriched, to feel so blessed. As much as I value all the good in my life I never take for granted my children. My husband, my ability to be a stay at home mother/wife. Well thats just the nature of the beast. With all good things comes hardships and challenges. I too have mine. Few and far between thankfully enough, but still they are there. I'm ok with that. How fun or interesting would life be if it always just went my way. I know the chaos or the disturbance is always lurking, waiting for me, waiting for us. Metaphorically speaking if I said I'm ok with it rocking my boat just as long as we dont sink, then I'm fine with it!
So I started my fall semester of college and truth be told full time is alot on me thus far. One week in and I already feel the burden of my choice. Gosh cant ever be challenged enough I guess that I must torture myself with even more to accomplish and keep together. First few days were agonizing torture, constant thoughts of when..........when.................when???.............when???...........when will I get a chance to do this dang school work. Don was on doubles and the kids really who can learn about how to identify the criteria in poetry or learn about philosophers and why conservation ethics are important to global preservation. Really? LOL I devised a schedule, something I suppose really needed to be taken on by both Don and I. The first day or so ironing out wrinkles it all seemed like it was doomed to fail, but we have worked it out and my husband has stepped it up. Hello, Honey, where have you been? My husband is back, the man that any woman could wish for! A deep personal desire for change an odd commitment to continue to love me despite all my loudness! I am so lucky. Really I have to call that luck for now as I will always feel that he's something in me that I just dont sometimes. Maybe when I get where I'm going with myself in terms of academics and personal health I can be there with him. He's leading my path, ironically the path in which I showed him to take. HUH! Imagine that!
Anyways back to my lovely children. Allyssa kissed me the other day. blew my freaking socks off. she leaned in and she kissed me! Want to know when ? On my Birthday! Thats right my sweet little angel baby kissed me! I just about melted and Don saw it too. We did the biggest 'awe' you ever so and she was so proud of what she had given me that she did it again....and again........!!!! I always have to BEG for Allyssa kisses and she always just does it because I wont pick her out of the crib till she does. She's stubborn and I'm stubborn so we've been known to play this 'kiss me' game for over an hour. Yes I'm a mean Mommy and I wont let her out of her crib till she gives me a kiss. I demand the love, lmao. Well she just doesnt want to do what I ever want her to do. Defiant little spunky thing. Let me tell she is a rare breed of baby. Light up the world with her smile and melt your heart with her giggle. Mommy wont have to mention her lil dark side when I celebrate the goodness of who she is most of the time these days. Thank You God! Austyn, my little bubba, he is just still so darn happy, so full of life. So full of just everything sweet and special. Old soul, been here done that and much like Whitney knows some spiritual wisdom's. They both teach me and even as my children I look to their hearts and their souls to see the beauty in life, to feel the purity of their hearts and their souls. Wise, been around enough to know a few things about life. They can teach me something for sure! Austyn is learning to walk, finally found interest after all he has been crawling for about 6 -7 months now, lol. He should have been walking a good 3 months ago at least but he just didn't want to. Hey for being 13 months old now, who can complain, I certainly am finally ready for him to walk, I think he needs it for him, so I cant hold him back without encouraging him, so that's what I've been doing. Daddy and I work with him everyday. He likes it. So I predict by about Whitneys birthday he will walk. Allyssa watches him, she tries to join, its funny she giggles and Tries but really is just to wobbly and reminds me of Gumby, lol
He says "momma" all the time when he wants me. He nods his head, he yells back and forth with Daddy and he likes to pull hair and he likes to be silly butt and get chased around the house. Its amusing. Hes a happy person. Oh and his new found passion, slides, he luvs, luvs going down slides at the playground, oh my gosh he tries to climb up them now and everything!
Whitney, she is so ready for school. With all the apprehension about bad behaviors and germs really the choice is just much too clear now that she needs this. She needs to play with kids her age, she needs to be stimulated on different levels. She's at the age where she needs more than what I can give her at home for variety of activities. The twins have taken from her in some regards. Its normal for she had 3 years alone and now a whole year with them, think of how much time has been taken away from her. The years is when she start remembering stuff. Ashamed she really wont remember 3 years of being absolutely spoiled rotten. Twins have been putting new pressures on her that I hope she doesn't hold against them. For instance sleeping in her own bed. Twins sleep all night long alone in their crib, where up till a few weeks we still had not gotten her to stay put in her bed at all. At least now we put her there and she may climb in with us at 4-5 am but its a start. I tell her if the the twins have to sleep alone, so does she, that its not fair! Really it makes me feel guilty. I would have loved to co-slept them. I would have loved to do alot of the things I did with Whitney with them but with 2 I just couldn't. Not practical to co-sleep twins, hhmm, imagine all 5 people in our king bed, hahahahaha. Anyways she's a good big sister, as the twins get older they love to wrestle or play or rough house, I swear she'll hurt them by accident and then cps will be at my door wondering why my twinkies have bruises or something more serious. So comes the constant reminder to take a chill pill. She is learning to write more and she is really really good. I mean I think she writes like a 6 year old. Very proud of her.
Thats all for now, whats to come in September is Whitneys birthday, Don has a small 8 day vacation after this week. We will be making plans to go to Jordon Fall fest, go apple picking, bake some apple pies and then we look forward to the fall foliage trips and nature walks and then prep for Halloween! Thanks for Reading if you made this far!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Going Green, getting rid of plastic!
So I continue on my journey to go more and more 'GREEN' and we all know that sometimes its just not always an easy thing to do. BUT every bit of what we can do to change how we live and how we treat our planet, our bodies only betters everything about it!
Plastic- My new found hatred toward plastic has continued to brew for a while now. About one year ago I stop purchasing meals that you have to microwave in plastic. I LOVED healthy choice meals, Whitney and I always split them. They are 'healthy' right they HAVE to be good for us! Well its still prepared and frozen food. Not fresh, not without preservatives and foods full of pesticides and who knows what else. This includes all foods that have to be microwaved in plastic, you know the new steam your food in plastic in the microwave?
No, No, No, No...........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can this be healthy? How can 4 minutes in the microwave brewing your foods in chemicals released throw 'micro' waving be any good for us? That same 4 minutes in a glass ceramic bowl in the microwave makes all the difference. How about steaming them, how about throwing them into a glass saucepan on the stove top? So much better of a choice. A choice that will not leave regret or worry about what it is that is being released in with our foods. I no longer microwave in plastic, I no longer drink from plastic! I have purchased several steel containers. The newest one sports a new clip that I can attach to my purse and I love it. So pretty in Pink too! Its steel container and I simply add tap water to it, so much fresher than bottle water that sits in plastic for months in warehouses and storage trucks in temperatures that reaches over 120 degrees! One less thing to worry about! I feel there is enough worry in life and that if I can protect myself and my family the better. The ever rising cancer rates causes me grave concern. Children and men and woman getting and dying from cancer is scary and a real fact of life. We must do what we can to purchase BPA free plastic containers at the least. I say at the least because as much as we know about plastic there is still plenty we don't. There is more than just BPA in plastic, believe there is plenty of chemicals used in plastic. I for one cant keep track of all the numbers on the bottles and each represents how recyclable the container is. SCARY! So give it a try, try to convert back to older ways of cooking, older ways of warming up your food items, grab for that glass bowl when you do microwave, or that ceramic one works just as well. Take your food out of steam bags and put them in your glass bowl with a little bit of water, at the least you can apply a Saran wrap to the top of the container to hold your own steam (more economical this way too!) at least the plastic is not touching your food, that has to mean something!
Fillmore Glen
We tried to head up North to my Fathers Camp, however the storm hit us at Cato and lets say it was Black, the sky was mean looking. We looked South and it was Sunny, so we turn around and head back toward Home and we decide to go to Moravia and hike at Fillmore Glen! We get there and BAM storm clouds roll in and it starts to sprinkle. Daringly we boldy take the kids out of the car, bound and determined to do something beside drive around we go down toward the Falls let the kids steal a peak, snap a couple of photos and had to leave. Yes of course it rained! So we head out to Denny's for Dinner for a Family Meal. It still ended up being a good day with my family. I love them with all my heart. I'd rather have a boring, dont know what to do day than no day with them at all.Garden Greens
We picked our first meal of green beans the other day from our home grown garden box! How delicious fresh vegetables are from a garden, free of pesticides and all organic soil and fertilized properly. They were so fantastic. The garden is growing well, still no signs of tomato's/cucumbers/eggplant or watermelon but the beans are sprouting off very nicely! Whitney ate all my green beans after hers, lil stinker! I love it she is my veggie baby!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Shattered
Everyone has a life story. Every person is special in that life is full of life lessons and crisis. Each make us walk a path and a road of salvation. A road to self discovery and growth. We ache, cry, scream, panic and become frightened of what lies ahead of every hardship that life brings. No one is exempt from our mental battles of what life brings us. Whats funny is that many life's battles change for everybody. Could you believe that as a dedicated house wife and mother 24/7 that on some given days that my biggest hardship of my day is the mental battle of picking up my husband dirty socks off the floor? How silly for some (we all know you Stay at home Mommas are like 'oh yeah') and how is that pair of socks symbolizes something bigger? A mental road block to monotony and frustration. It all starts the same for everyone, whether its dirty socks or huge crisis like death or hurt and pains of loss, its all pain and it never hurts the less. We all become 'shattered' in our mental state. So perfect our life can seem one day and then you are hit with the reality of life's valleys. Its all symbolic you see?
This was this song that used to play on the radio all the time and its called 'Shattered' by OAR and it really speaks of someones breakup but each of us can take that song and interpret in our sense for what fits for our struggles. Broken down and beat up we all feel like running, hiding and wishing all the pain and hurt away. But we as a humans have the instinct to survive, to fight. To each their own and we all know that some do better than others. Some find depression, alcohol and drugs to see their way through life and these times. It makes it so much easier to deal and to cope with what is often unfair and cruel. But the strong, the faithful they walk the walk, the hold their head up high, they keep moving forward. Realizing that through faith and courage is joy and true happiness. Life gets changed and rearranged and we all have to ride the wave. It will never be easy and it will often feel like there is no end in sight, the light at the end of the tunnel, but those moments of weakness is when we find strength. I do, its then that I stand up and I 'turn my car around' The song it talks about turning your car around, stand up and turn around your thoughts your actions and your life around to the reality of it all and deal and cope and get through. My heart was broke every single day I drove away from my babies last year in Nicu and in my dark moments of weakness I found my strength. I found it just so special and ironic that every time I drove away from the NICU I would hear that song playing in the radio. I knew I was shattered and broken.....but I knew that I always turned my thoughts around. Look to what I had, look to what I will get through, what we will all get through.
Its my message today, to hold your head up high, think positive, give yourself credit for your misfortune but don't never give up. Try to self discover what is that is have to get through and keep trying to find the other side. Seek help and support no matter who will give and you may find that complete strangers can give you more than what a loved one can. It does not matter, love is love and support is support.
Here is the song and you can hear and make this song your very own interpretation for what fitting for you. If anyone ever needs me let me know, I can offer you an open heart and a willing ear.
http://www.mtv.com/videos/oar/254581/shattered.jhtml
This was this song that used to play on the radio all the time and its called 'Shattered' by OAR and it really speaks of someones breakup but each of us can take that song and interpret in our sense for what fits for our struggles. Broken down and beat up we all feel like running, hiding and wishing all the pain and hurt away. But we as a humans have the instinct to survive, to fight. To each their own and we all know that some do better than others. Some find depression, alcohol and drugs to see their way through life and these times. It makes it so much easier to deal and to cope with what is often unfair and cruel. But the strong, the faithful they walk the walk, the hold their head up high, they keep moving forward. Realizing that through faith and courage is joy and true happiness. Life gets changed and rearranged and we all have to ride the wave. It will never be easy and it will often feel like there is no end in sight, the light at the end of the tunnel, but those moments of weakness is when we find strength. I do, its then that I stand up and I 'turn my car around' The song it talks about turning your car around, stand up and turn around your thoughts your actions and your life around to the reality of it all and deal and cope and get through. My heart was broke every single day I drove away from my babies last year in Nicu and in my dark moments of weakness I found my strength. I found it just so special and ironic that every time I drove away from the NICU I would hear that song playing in the radio. I knew I was shattered and broken.....but I knew that I always turned my thoughts around. Look to what I had, look to what I will get through, what we will all get through.
Its my message today, to hold your head up high, think positive, give yourself credit for your misfortune but don't never give up. Try to self discover what is that is have to get through and keep trying to find the other side. Seek help and support no matter who will give and you may find that complete strangers can give you more than what a loved one can. It does not matter, love is love and support is support.
Here is the song and you can hear and make this song your very own interpretation for what fitting for you. If anyone ever needs me let me know, I can offer you an open heart and a willing ear.
http://www.mtv.com/videos/oar/254581/shattered.jhtml
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh My!
I love how he holds on to her like a protector! 
I ventured off to the zoo with the peeps and Aunt Carol, Brenda and little cousin Stephen and they all loved it. The twins got individualized attention with special carrying around by Mommy and their Aunties. Allyssa just lit up with Aunt Brenda. Aunt Brenda is so strong to hold back the happy kicks and bouncing around that Allyssa did in her arms as we traveled hours through the zoo. Honestly I have been to the park so many times that I lose my spark of interest for it, but the Aunts kept that spirit alive for the kiddos. I love to get to my most favorite of the animals and keep the trips to the zoo a speedy one, I dont stop for long and keep forging forward. The attention they took to reading so much information to Whitney and cousin Stephen was special. They love that and I realize I really need to recognize that my young baby Whitney is growing up and needs to learn more of this stuff. So it was an eye opener for me to realize how I need to change some of our trips out and make them more educational and not just 'fun' for her! Ran into Peyton and got some family photos. It was such a beautiful and sunny day. After keeping myself cooped in the house for days I really needed the sunshine, the smiles and it was the boost I needed to get spirit full of life and love. Austyn and Allyssa came home and enjoyed their first McDonald French Fry, not a common around here, I don't care for fried foods for the young ones too much, once in a while is fine so they really enjoyed it! Lots of content children tonight playing together and loving the attention to another! Hope you Enjoyed the pics !
I ventured off to the zoo with the peeps and Aunt Carol, Brenda and little cousin Stephen and they all loved it. The twins got individualized attention with special carrying around by Mommy and their Aunties. Allyssa just lit up with Aunt Brenda. Aunt Brenda is so strong to hold back the happy kicks and bouncing around that Allyssa did in her arms as we traveled hours through the zoo. Honestly I have been to the park so many times that I lose my spark of interest for it, but the Aunts kept that spirit alive for the kiddos. I love to get to my most favorite of the animals and keep the trips to the zoo a speedy one, I dont stop for long and keep forging forward. The attention they took to reading so much information to Whitney and cousin Stephen was special. They love that and I realize I really need to recognize that my young baby Whitney is growing up and needs to learn more of this stuff. So it was an eye opener for me to realize how I need to change some of our trips out and make them more educational and not just 'fun' for her! Ran into Peyton and got some family photos. It was such a beautiful and sunny day. After keeping myself cooped in the house for days I really needed the sunshine, the smiles and it was the boost I needed to get spirit full of life and love. Austyn and Allyssa came home and enjoyed their first McDonald French Fry, not a common around here, I don't care for fried foods for the young ones too much, once in a while is fine so they really enjoyed it! Lots of content children tonight playing together and loving the attention to another! Hope you Enjoyed the pics !
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Random Silly Thoughts
If my husband were home I'd have someone to share these thoughts with, why let them mingle and fizzle in my own brain, might as well share, especially if daddy reads these
- how is that Allyssa is just that smart to know that she can look at the spoon when I feed to her to see if I'm tricking her with the food? I so creatively starting aiming the food high when I try to spoon her anything that is pureed and she now realizes I trick much to much this way and will refuse to open up. Man she buttons up tight! She gets so mad at me and man feeding her is so frustrating! Chill out Ally, Pears and Squash is will help you grow not hurt you, lol
- Why is that both my babies look like they have been put in a war zone? I've seen babies with bruises and I always thought 'huh' or 'why?' and just thought there is something wrong if babies have bruises. Now on the other side of the coin I see just how many times they bump into chairs, toys, hide dive, fall over and how much big sissy gets pushing, shoving (by play not always on purpose!!!) and it sucks because babies should never bruise they are much too cute for bruises and play wound marks, lol. Of course totally guilty of making my child find their way out of situation on most occasions, hey if you want to get caught up in the chair, let me coach you to see your way out. Bang, bang, boing.
- how many times does an almost 4 year old have to ask for a drink. Mom, Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. Holey friggin cow Whitney Yes I heard you! GAH and the other classic is snack, drink, snack, eat, snack, dinner, eat, snack, drink.....all day long, sometimes its the only thing she'll say to me on some days. Very smart girl, I mean very smart, talking sentences extremely early and so she knows how talk to in sentence. For mommies that have kids that will be Toddlers soon and chose to let them watch tv, be warned shows like Max and Ruby are toxic. Max doesn't talk he does one word sentences and commands so Whitney got the whole barking at mommy and daddy with 'drink, drink' Um Hello, I don't think so little girl, speak normal! I love her she is too darn brilliant for that!
Thinking I have to bathe 3 kiddos tonight. Once this week I did all 3, wow like packing sardines into bathtubs, rolling over each other, it was worse than other time I've done it because they are so big! Then one at a time, its all time consuming and tiring.
Highlight of Just the Connie Aspect of today................going to spend time alone watching some favorite TV shows tonight. Rescue me, BB11 and Americas got talent. Wahoo *sarcasm* I have no charm for today, sorry to disappoint. I am on day 3 of keeping myself trapped inside. I have no desire to move outside my house, why? I don't know, hormonal I guess, I have a visitor, she is a nasty thing. which why are you here anyways? all these years you can come and do your job to give me babies and now you come for 8 months straight, just go away, you're not welcome here!
Wow, what random brain garbage.
- how is that Allyssa is just that smart to know that she can look at the spoon when I feed to her to see if I'm tricking her with the food? I so creatively starting aiming the food high when I try to spoon her anything that is pureed and she now realizes I trick much to much this way and will refuse to open up. Man she buttons up tight! She gets so mad at me and man feeding her is so frustrating! Chill out Ally, Pears and Squash is will help you grow not hurt you, lol
- Why is that both my babies look like they have been put in a war zone? I've seen babies with bruises and I always thought 'huh' or 'why?' and just thought there is something wrong if babies have bruises. Now on the other side of the coin I see just how many times they bump into chairs, toys, hide dive, fall over and how much big sissy gets pushing, shoving (by play not always on purpose!!!) and it sucks because babies should never bruise they are much too cute for bruises and play wound marks, lol. Of course totally guilty of making my child find their way out of situation on most occasions, hey if you want to get caught up in the chair, let me coach you to see your way out. Bang, bang, boing.
- how many times does an almost 4 year old have to ask for a drink. Mom, Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. Holey friggin cow Whitney Yes I heard you! GAH and the other classic is snack, drink, snack, eat, snack, dinner, eat, snack, drink.....all day long, sometimes its the only thing she'll say to me on some days. Very smart girl, I mean very smart, talking sentences extremely early and so she knows how talk to in sentence. For mommies that have kids that will be Toddlers soon and chose to let them watch tv, be warned shows like Max and Ruby are toxic. Max doesn't talk he does one word sentences and commands so Whitney got the whole barking at mommy and daddy with 'drink, drink' Um Hello, I don't think so little girl, speak normal! I love her she is too darn brilliant for that!
Thinking I have to bathe 3 kiddos tonight. Once this week I did all 3, wow like packing sardines into bathtubs, rolling over each other, it was worse than other time I've done it because they are so big! Then one at a time, its all time consuming and tiring.
Highlight of Just the Connie Aspect of today................going to spend time alone watching some favorite TV shows tonight. Rescue me, BB11 and Americas got talent. Wahoo *sarcasm* I have no charm for today, sorry to disappoint. I am on day 3 of keeping myself trapped inside. I have no desire to move outside my house, why? I don't know, hormonal I guess, I have a visitor, she is a nasty thing. which why are you here anyways? all these years you can come and do your job to give me babies and now you come for 8 months straight, just go away, you're not welcome here!
Wow, what random brain garbage.
Our Nicu Journey in Reflection
I read back on my first initial entry in this blog and it all comes pouring back all the questions, worry and anguish I somehow knew would exist. Somehow the hardest part of the entire journey despite all that my baby's fought to go through I could never help but weep at my own sorrow. For they have forgotten and will never remember their stay in the Intensive Care Unit for so long, but I will. Through so many self discoveries I will share with you my journey through the Nicu and my thoughts and feelings about that journey today, almost one year later in reflection how Gods Grace and Gods will allows me to see clearly the righteous path he chose for us.
July 31st, I was discharged from the Hospital. My mind was set on spending time with Whitney, my stay away from was so very difficult. I cried every night I was in the hospital. So many people in the same situation are probably so much stronger than I. I knew I was weak when it came to the absence of my daughter and It broke my heart to feel so out of control to know that her heart was aching without me. To feel and understand the fear of not having Mommy there just broke me down to tears every night. Its what made the stay before they came so difficult. The pain of it all wore me down quickly. I give so much credit to woman that spend weeks and months hospitalized, I just was not strong enough to do it. I found myself feeling totally guilty for feeling like I wanted these babies here so I didn't have to suffer anymore. Mental battles begin with such feelings. I was putting myself before my babies and that's not a pleasant feeling when you know how important it was for them to stay inside you. This however was never my choice, I knew I could have hung on, I could have done what I needed to do if I knew it was going to mean that they would be safer, healthier and I could take them home with me after having them. Its those glimpse of thoughts and feelings when a person is being broke down emotionally that the fear and anxiety sets in about the stark reality of what life has brought you. We left the hospital us 3 and I cried so hard, it was not normal in any sense to leave them there and to leave them behind. How did this happen, why did this happen and what's going to happen when I get home? We took off to Chuck E. Cheese, what a celebration we wanted to give Whitney a chance of some normalcy, a chance to spend with Me and Daddy! 3 days post c-section I was as active as a normal individual. ( I walked 2 hours after having my stomach ripped apart *again*, every doctor and nurse was amazed at my recovery, I wanted to see my babies IMMEDIATELY!) and because of my quick recovery I did way faster than normal. We played we enjoyed. We went back to the hospital and gave some much needed love to our babies. Still encouraged to avoid over stimulating them we would just gently place our hands upon their bum or head to let them feel our love and presence. I had to be strong for them and I tried to be so optimistic and I just told them how much we loved them and how I didn't want to leave them there all alone. The pastoral lady came to my side. We talked in lengths about where we were and why, to discovery and wonder the plan he had set before us was much to confusing to understand. However despite all there was to the unknown I felt so at peace that they were here and that they were alive. The pastor looked at me and she told me that I was the strongest woman she had ever seen for seeing the faith and the glory of their existence and that I was going to make it through this very well. I felt confident. I was ready to leave.
My drive home, I felt strong and I felt like I could handle coming home, after all my only thoughts were Whitney and some normal life for her now. Don of course drove and as we approached home still strong and powerful in my emotions I quickly became one big hormonal mush of weeping and wallowing pity. I saw my house and I cry this very moment when I think back on how just amazingly empty I felt. My stomach was empty, my arms were empty, my car was empty. My babies, I wanted my babies. I'm not supposed to be coming home without my babies. It just didn't make any sense all over again. Don offered to keep on driving, I told him no to pull in the driveway or I'd never be able to come home. We did, I cried and it was just this way the entire time they were in the hospital.
Nothing can prepare a mother for what it would be like to come home empty handed. To leave your baby or in my case babies behind to let someone else love them and care for them and to be there for them when they cried. I felt so unbelievable blame for what my body had done to fail them. For what I thought was maybe a mix of both my fault and my husbands fault. All the times I was pregnant and pleading with him that I was weak and tired and that I needed time and space and a chance to relax. That day before my abruption I had gone grocery shopping with my 2 year old in tow. I'm sure very typical for many woman in pregnancy however at this point I knew I was exhausted, I knew I was over extending myself, still carrying Whitney around, lugging around hundred dollars worth of groceries and this point I had already spotted just the week before, was in the hospital for preterm labor and here I was doing what I shouldn't had been. I was very angry and defiant toward my lack of support in my life. Even my own husband threw a fit as he was supposed to be the one that got the groceries that day and was very upset that he had to take Whitney with him. Of course if you pull that card with me my of course independent option is of course to say 'you know what, forget it, I'll do it myself later with Whitney'.................................what if................................what if..............what if I just said 'just quit your damn whining and do the dam shopping and just take your daughter with you! Toughen up Big Boy, life is going to be so much more than just taking one kid to the grocery store! So of course hidden resentment plagued my soul and heart amidst other personal marital problems that will not get into on a blog! Lets just say that I quickly separated myself from any other thoughts other than my children. They would be my only priority, my only thoughts of every day. I slept on the couch to hide the sounds of tears and crys as to not wake my husband and daughter. The constant 3 -4 hour pumping were always a fresh reminder that they were not here and that this was not the way it was supposed to be. This was my emotional journey all the way up till Austyn came home 6 1/2 weeks later. Again tears were shed for the bitter sweet victory of his arrival home. We had one baby home and the other to arrive home in a few short weeks. He filled my heart and I quickly bonded so much with him. He nursed very well and I still needed to pump but we were on our way. Such a happy and content baby, I thought 'this is so easy'. I went to the Nicu everyday to see my Princess and I'll share more about her in a little while.
Austyn's Journey- Austyn was born so badly bruised, I was 7cm dilated when I was given my c-section. Which of course was my choice. My thoughts is my babies will have a tough enough road in recovery and I wanted to avoid all extra stress on them from a vaginal birth, its tough even for term babies. So let me take the pain and let me make the sacrifice. Although I will admit that my water breaking and my labor was exciting from the standpoint that I felt like 'now my body wants to work' LOL. really I had to be induced with Whitney and my body wouldn't dilate for her, so really special to feel like my body wanted to do the natural right thing. Austyn took some time to come off the bili lights. I think it was about twelve days or so. It was shortly after his ventilation that needed to happen. Austyn stopped breathing all the time and so he was just so weak and couldn't do it on his own anymore. He had to be put on the vent. It broke my heart and I just cried so hard when I saw my boy. Chokes me up to think about it, just not fair for him. He would throw himself around with feelings of being uncomfortable. He dislodged the vent and so it was removed and he was able to breathe on his own after 2 days, it was what he needed to re coop and gather up the energy his body needed to do on his own! I was not able to be there for him when they called and said they did this to him. It breaks your heart to receive phone calls from the Dr's explaining to you what had just happened. The images and thoughts that ran through my head, they hurt my heart. Austyn had some problems with eating, he wouldn't go to the bathroom and wouldn't then digest his breastmilk and so they would stall the feedings and would have to start over again, it was pretty much this way every time he didn't have bowel movements on a regular basis. So he was slow going with his feedings but soon he was fine, pretty much when he was off the artificial food they pump through their body till they are on full on breastmilk. They call it gut stimming. Austyn blew up like the little 'Michelin' Man we called him. He gained excessive water weight and as much as thought it was just chuck from mommy milk we knew different after a few short days we became very concerned. He also battled a severe infection in his lymph node in his neck. I insisted there was a problem with his neck. After a u/s they decided it was just sore or bruised from his ventilation procedure or when he dislodged it. After it looked worse and worse, it took tons of persuasion that there was something seriously wrong with my son. It took one special nurse to get the opinion of a new Dr who ordered a new pathologist to look over his previous u/s to come up with the actual problem. It was huge and it was severe, so bad they said if that had leaked into his bloodstream it could have caused a major sepsis. So over the phone I gave the authorization to have them immediately cut his neck open and drain this major lymph node infection. He had a straw sticking out of it and it drained for over 2 days. Austyn pulled it out and he recovered quickly. Many little infections while in the hospital. At just over 35 weeks corrected age, Austyn came home! It was such an amazing feeling to have him home! He came home at 5lbs 2 oz!!
Allyssa's Journey- Allyssa was born and she was just so tiny and perfect. I mean I dont think we could have imagined a more picture perfect baby! Whitney was beautiful and we loved her little chunky smile and her jaundice skin made her look like an Indian Baby. She had this chubby nose and she was perfect for us. To see Allyssa though, was like this perfect picture of what a handcrafted baby. You know the little babies you see people make out of clay, sculpted to a perfection? This was Allyssa. I think we were just blown away at how girly she was and how masculine Austyn was! They looked like twins and believe there was some confusion pictures in the beginning! Sometimes I will say 'which baby was this' especially the first week! Allyssa had several, several infections in Nicu, I honestly think she spent but one week in the beginning where she was not on a antibiotic. The last week she was on she we med free as well. But all the while in between was high doses of antibiotics for infections. Infections inside her causing her to have severe bradycardias. Never apnea episodes just bradys. Daddy was convinced it was hm and her heart would skip a beat when she was touched and I was convinced it was him that she caused her to feel so much love that she forgot to breathe and she forgot to live. Daddy took her breath away! Its' magic those two, from the beginning on I just had this amazing connection to Austyn and he had the amazing connection to Allyssa. Bonded at the soul! But she struggled at about 33 weeks when she began to eat from a bottle. It was a mess, it was bad the whole not knowing how to suck and swallow and breathe. Way too much for her and she took an extremely long time learning. She was oxygen free up to till 33 weeks when she her health began to plummet. Bradys were not going away, happening just the same in frequency despite the caffeine they pumped in her veins. So they spent 3 weeks after Austyn was home just getting her to eat better and to find out where she needed to be with her oxygen levels. We knew she would come home on Oxygen, we were totally fine with that, we just wanted her home. We promised Austyn to hurry up and get better and we would come back and get sissy and never leave her alone. So we had promises to keep. So many times I would leave her station and can go and cry in the restroom or better yet when I was pumping in the nursing room. Was she ever going to come home? Why were they holding her hostage from me? it got to be ridiculous the last week or so there was no point of her not coming home. Especially when I tell you something you will probably not hear from anybody about any baby. But something happened to Allyssa about week 36 or 37. I went to see her and I was devastated at what I found. My daughter, my sweet precious daughter who gave me the cold shoulder, my daughter lost something that day, she lost some soul, some spirit to survive, the human feeling of wanting to be touched and loved. I'm sure your thinking 'what'? I picked her up and she would squirm and cry and whine and she just hated everything about every touch and every feeding when I went to nurse her and she just lost all comfort from me. I was confused, I was hurt, I was fearful, I came home and remember telling everyone that Allyssa is losing her spirit up there. I began to become frantic in thoughts that my daughter was wilting away in a box up a the NICU, not enough human contact, not enough love to sustain her. Not enough of mommy and daddy. She needed to be home and she needed to be with us so we can take care of her! I began to become so demanding on Dr's to define a timeline for discharge. It took another 1-2 weeks and I think at that point, it had spiritually changed her soul and heart. Allyssa came home on Oxygen and she remained on continuous oxygen 24/7 up till Christmas. Born on July 29 and Discharged I believe on October 5, Allyssa spent 9 1/2 weeks in Intensive Care.
I want to take this time to give thanks to God for my babies and I thank him daily for my blessings, I honestly do. I want to thank my husband that despite what I thought was one persons fault over another God made it all ok and he took care of us and our children. I dont feel its either of our faults now. Don you were my Rock. Despite our hardships we came together and we bonded during what could have rocked most marriages to the brink of divorce, we rejoiced and we came together, we celebrated and cried together and we are a stronger couple because of this. Thanks for letting me cry and for hearing my fears and for listening to my rantings or my post pardon blues. To all my friends those I have met and from those that I have never seen before. You gave me love and support when people even in my family did not. You were always there for me, one by one I talked, I shared and I cried and you let me with open hearts and minds and It will never be forgotten, I know I could have never have made sense to any of it unless I wrote it all out for you to hear and feel. I love so many of you very much.
If there was one thing I wished I could have taken from all of this would have been a rejoicing or a bringing together of our families. This didn't happen and Don and I are saddened by our often lack of support. There were a few times when we had a hand and for that it gave us a sense of hope for what should have been the entire time. I take no hard feelings from any of it, we know everyone leads very separate lives and we know each person struggles with their life, but I think what I know from this would be that I will be there for you if you need me. Even if you were not there for me, I will not hold this against you. I will take your children if you have children in the hospital, I will take them in and I will treat them like my own, any time of night, any time of day. I will hold you up, I will lift your spirits and I will hear your tears, your fears and I will whisper to you that it will all be ok.
I take from this a better me! I am a better mother a better wife. Or so I'd like to think. I suffered from post traumatic stress from these events. As our twins first year Birthday approaches I began to panic and ponder all that we went through. I'd weep and cry at the thoughts, I was surely wallowing in self pity for our hardships. Something has changed with all of this and I see the golden light behind all of it, my silver linings as I mentioned in my first blog 2 days after the twins were born. God has divine plans, we were to suffer and we were given a gift and he saved us and he saved our babies and for that all of this was way better than what could have been without his divine interventions. Kate McRae a little girl 5 years is suffering from a brain cancer, began praying for Kate every night, its through her journey in the last 3 weeks she has gone through more than most adults ever have will ever have to and this beautiful family seeks prayers and love for their daughter. How can I cry over tears that have already been shed. I must not look to my past as a tragic one, I must look back on it like this big beautiful journey and the end result is life and love. My twins are turning one and they are here and they are perfect and I would not have changed a thing, at the end of our road and our journey it lead to happiness and peace. Kate you and your family have given me something that I will never forget, you opened my eyes to God Grace and his love, what I always knew but now understand. God Bless you everyday Kate.
Please send your prayers to Kate and her family!
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate
July 31st, I was discharged from the Hospital. My mind was set on spending time with Whitney, my stay away from was so very difficult. I cried every night I was in the hospital. So many people in the same situation are probably so much stronger than I. I knew I was weak when it came to the absence of my daughter and It broke my heart to feel so out of control to know that her heart was aching without me. To feel and understand the fear of not having Mommy there just broke me down to tears every night. Its what made the stay before they came so difficult. The pain of it all wore me down quickly. I give so much credit to woman that spend weeks and months hospitalized, I just was not strong enough to do it. I found myself feeling totally guilty for feeling like I wanted these babies here so I didn't have to suffer anymore. Mental battles begin with such feelings. I was putting myself before my babies and that's not a pleasant feeling when you know how important it was for them to stay inside you. This however was never my choice, I knew I could have hung on, I could have done what I needed to do if I knew it was going to mean that they would be safer, healthier and I could take them home with me after having them. Its those glimpse of thoughts and feelings when a person is being broke down emotionally that the fear and anxiety sets in about the stark reality of what life has brought you. We left the hospital us 3 and I cried so hard, it was not normal in any sense to leave them there and to leave them behind. How did this happen, why did this happen and what's going to happen when I get home? We took off to Chuck E. Cheese, what a celebration we wanted to give Whitney a chance of some normalcy, a chance to spend with Me and Daddy! 3 days post c-section I was as active as a normal individual. ( I walked 2 hours after having my stomach ripped apart *again*, every doctor and nurse was amazed at my recovery, I wanted to see my babies IMMEDIATELY!) and because of my quick recovery I did way faster than normal. We played we enjoyed. We went back to the hospital and gave some much needed love to our babies. Still encouraged to avoid over stimulating them we would just gently place our hands upon their bum or head to let them feel our love and presence. I had to be strong for them and I tried to be so optimistic and I just told them how much we loved them and how I didn't want to leave them there all alone. The pastoral lady came to my side. We talked in lengths about where we were and why, to discovery and wonder the plan he had set before us was much to confusing to understand. However despite all there was to the unknown I felt so at peace that they were here and that they were alive. The pastor looked at me and she told me that I was the strongest woman she had ever seen for seeing the faith and the glory of their existence and that I was going to make it through this very well. I felt confident. I was ready to leave.
My drive home, I felt strong and I felt like I could handle coming home, after all my only thoughts were Whitney and some normal life for her now. Don of course drove and as we approached home still strong and powerful in my emotions I quickly became one big hormonal mush of weeping and wallowing pity. I saw my house and I cry this very moment when I think back on how just amazingly empty I felt. My stomach was empty, my arms were empty, my car was empty. My babies, I wanted my babies. I'm not supposed to be coming home without my babies. It just didn't make any sense all over again. Don offered to keep on driving, I told him no to pull in the driveway or I'd never be able to come home. We did, I cried and it was just this way the entire time they were in the hospital.
Nothing can prepare a mother for what it would be like to come home empty handed. To leave your baby or in my case babies behind to let someone else love them and care for them and to be there for them when they cried. I felt so unbelievable blame for what my body had done to fail them. For what I thought was maybe a mix of both my fault and my husbands fault. All the times I was pregnant and pleading with him that I was weak and tired and that I needed time and space and a chance to relax. That day before my abruption I had gone grocery shopping with my 2 year old in tow. I'm sure very typical for many woman in pregnancy however at this point I knew I was exhausted, I knew I was over extending myself, still carrying Whitney around, lugging around hundred dollars worth of groceries and this point I had already spotted just the week before, was in the hospital for preterm labor and here I was doing what I shouldn't had been. I was very angry and defiant toward my lack of support in my life. Even my own husband threw a fit as he was supposed to be the one that got the groceries that day and was very upset that he had to take Whitney with him. Of course if you pull that card with me my of course independent option is of course to say 'you know what, forget it, I'll do it myself later with Whitney'.................................what if................................what if..............what if I just said 'just quit your damn whining and do the dam shopping and just take your daughter with you! Toughen up Big Boy, life is going to be so much more than just taking one kid to the grocery store! So of course hidden resentment plagued my soul and heart amidst other personal marital problems that will not get into on a blog! Lets just say that I quickly separated myself from any other thoughts other than my children. They would be my only priority, my only thoughts of every day. I slept on the couch to hide the sounds of tears and crys as to not wake my husband and daughter. The constant 3 -4 hour pumping were always a fresh reminder that they were not here and that this was not the way it was supposed to be. This was my emotional journey all the way up till Austyn came home 6 1/2 weeks later. Again tears were shed for the bitter sweet victory of his arrival home. We had one baby home and the other to arrive home in a few short weeks. He filled my heart and I quickly bonded so much with him. He nursed very well and I still needed to pump but we were on our way. Such a happy and content baby, I thought 'this is so easy'. I went to the Nicu everyday to see my Princess and I'll share more about her in a little while.
Austyn's Journey- Austyn was born so badly bruised, I was 7cm dilated when I was given my c-section. Which of course was my choice. My thoughts is my babies will have a tough enough road in recovery and I wanted to avoid all extra stress on them from a vaginal birth, its tough even for term babies. So let me take the pain and let me make the sacrifice. Although I will admit that my water breaking and my labor was exciting from the standpoint that I felt like 'now my body wants to work' LOL. really I had to be induced with Whitney and my body wouldn't dilate for her, so really special to feel like my body wanted to do the natural right thing. Austyn took some time to come off the bili lights. I think it was about twelve days or so. It was shortly after his ventilation that needed to happen. Austyn stopped breathing all the time and so he was just so weak and couldn't do it on his own anymore. He had to be put on the vent. It broke my heart and I just cried so hard when I saw my boy. Chokes me up to think about it, just not fair for him. He would throw himself around with feelings of being uncomfortable. He dislodged the vent and so it was removed and he was able to breathe on his own after 2 days, it was what he needed to re coop and gather up the energy his body needed to do on his own! I was not able to be there for him when they called and said they did this to him. It breaks your heart to receive phone calls from the Dr's explaining to you what had just happened. The images and thoughts that ran through my head, they hurt my heart. Austyn had some problems with eating, he wouldn't go to the bathroom and wouldn't then digest his breastmilk and so they would stall the feedings and would have to start over again, it was pretty much this way every time he didn't have bowel movements on a regular basis. So he was slow going with his feedings but soon he was fine, pretty much when he was off the artificial food they pump through their body till they are on full on breastmilk. They call it gut stimming. Austyn blew up like the little 'Michelin' Man we called him. He gained excessive water weight and as much as thought it was just chuck from mommy milk we knew different after a few short days we became very concerned. He also battled a severe infection in his lymph node in his neck. I insisted there was a problem with his neck. After a u/s they decided it was just sore or bruised from his ventilation procedure or when he dislodged it. After it looked worse and worse, it took tons of persuasion that there was something seriously wrong with my son. It took one special nurse to get the opinion of a new Dr who ordered a new pathologist to look over his previous u/s to come up with the actual problem. It was huge and it was severe, so bad they said if that had leaked into his bloodstream it could have caused a major sepsis. So over the phone I gave the authorization to have them immediately cut his neck open and drain this major lymph node infection. He had a straw sticking out of it and it drained for over 2 days. Austyn pulled it out and he recovered quickly. Many little infections while in the hospital. At just over 35 weeks corrected age, Austyn came home! It was such an amazing feeling to have him home! He came home at 5lbs 2 oz!!
Allyssa's Journey- Allyssa was born and she was just so tiny and perfect. I mean I dont think we could have imagined a more picture perfect baby! Whitney was beautiful and we loved her little chunky smile and her jaundice skin made her look like an Indian Baby. She had this chubby nose and she was perfect for us. To see Allyssa though, was like this perfect picture of what a handcrafted baby. You know the little babies you see people make out of clay, sculpted to a perfection? This was Allyssa. I think we were just blown away at how girly she was and how masculine Austyn was! They looked like twins and believe there was some confusion pictures in the beginning! Sometimes I will say 'which baby was this' especially the first week! Allyssa had several, several infections in Nicu, I honestly think she spent but one week in the beginning where she was not on a antibiotic. The last week she was on she we med free as well. But all the while in between was high doses of antibiotics for infections. Infections inside her causing her to have severe bradycardias. Never apnea episodes just bradys. Daddy was convinced it was hm and her heart would skip a beat when she was touched and I was convinced it was him that she caused her to feel so much love that she forgot to breathe and she forgot to live. Daddy took her breath away! Its' magic those two, from the beginning on I just had this amazing connection to Austyn and he had the amazing connection to Allyssa. Bonded at the soul! But she struggled at about 33 weeks when she began to eat from a bottle. It was a mess, it was bad the whole not knowing how to suck and swallow and breathe. Way too much for her and she took an extremely long time learning. She was oxygen free up to till 33 weeks when she her health began to plummet. Bradys were not going away, happening just the same in frequency despite the caffeine they pumped in her veins. So they spent 3 weeks after Austyn was home just getting her to eat better and to find out where she needed to be with her oxygen levels. We knew she would come home on Oxygen, we were totally fine with that, we just wanted her home. We promised Austyn to hurry up and get better and we would come back and get sissy and never leave her alone. So we had promises to keep. So many times I would leave her station and can go and cry in the restroom or better yet when I was pumping in the nursing room. Was she ever going to come home? Why were they holding her hostage from me? it got to be ridiculous the last week or so there was no point of her not coming home. Especially when I tell you something you will probably not hear from anybody about any baby. But something happened to Allyssa about week 36 or 37. I went to see her and I was devastated at what I found. My daughter, my sweet precious daughter who gave me the cold shoulder, my daughter lost something that day, she lost some soul, some spirit to survive, the human feeling of wanting to be touched and loved. I'm sure your thinking 'what'? I picked her up and she would squirm and cry and whine and she just hated everything about every touch and every feeding when I went to nurse her and she just lost all comfort from me. I was confused, I was hurt, I was fearful, I came home and remember telling everyone that Allyssa is losing her spirit up there. I began to become frantic in thoughts that my daughter was wilting away in a box up a the NICU, not enough human contact, not enough love to sustain her. Not enough of mommy and daddy. She needed to be home and she needed to be with us so we can take care of her! I began to become so demanding on Dr's to define a timeline for discharge. It took another 1-2 weeks and I think at that point, it had spiritually changed her soul and heart. Allyssa came home on Oxygen and she remained on continuous oxygen 24/7 up till Christmas. Born on July 29 and Discharged I believe on October 5, Allyssa spent 9 1/2 weeks in Intensive Care.
I want to take this time to give thanks to God for my babies and I thank him daily for my blessings, I honestly do. I want to thank my husband that despite what I thought was one persons fault over another God made it all ok and he took care of us and our children. I dont feel its either of our faults now. Don you were my Rock. Despite our hardships we came together and we bonded during what could have rocked most marriages to the brink of divorce, we rejoiced and we came together, we celebrated and cried together and we are a stronger couple because of this. Thanks for letting me cry and for hearing my fears and for listening to my rantings or my post pardon blues. To all my friends those I have met and from those that I have never seen before. You gave me love and support when people even in my family did not. You were always there for me, one by one I talked, I shared and I cried and you let me with open hearts and minds and It will never be forgotten, I know I could have never have made sense to any of it unless I wrote it all out for you to hear and feel. I love so many of you very much.
If there was one thing I wished I could have taken from all of this would have been a rejoicing or a bringing together of our families. This didn't happen and Don and I are saddened by our often lack of support. There were a few times when we had a hand and for that it gave us a sense of hope for what should have been the entire time. I take no hard feelings from any of it, we know everyone leads very separate lives and we know each person struggles with their life, but I think what I know from this would be that I will be there for you if you need me. Even if you were not there for me, I will not hold this against you. I will take your children if you have children in the hospital, I will take them in and I will treat them like my own, any time of night, any time of day. I will hold you up, I will lift your spirits and I will hear your tears, your fears and I will whisper to you that it will all be ok.
I take from this a better me! I am a better mother a better wife. Or so I'd like to think. I suffered from post traumatic stress from these events. As our twins first year Birthday approaches I began to panic and ponder all that we went through. I'd weep and cry at the thoughts, I was surely wallowing in self pity for our hardships. Something has changed with all of this and I see the golden light behind all of it, my silver linings as I mentioned in my first blog 2 days after the twins were born. God has divine plans, we were to suffer and we were given a gift and he saved us and he saved our babies and for that all of this was way better than what could have been without his divine interventions. Kate McRae a little girl 5 years is suffering from a brain cancer, began praying for Kate every night, its through her journey in the last 3 weeks she has gone through more than most adults ever have will ever have to and this beautiful family seeks prayers and love for their daughter. How can I cry over tears that have already been shed. I must not look to my past as a tragic one, I must look back on it like this big beautiful journey and the end result is life and love. My twins are turning one and they are here and they are perfect and I would not have changed a thing, at the end of our road and our journey it lead to happiness and peace. Kate you and your family have given me something that I will never forget, you opened my eyes to God Grace and his love, what I always knew but now understand. God Bless you everyday Kate.
Please send your prayers to Kate and her family!
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate
Allyssa's leaps and bounds this month!
Allyssa has grown leaps and bounds the last few weeks. She miraculously found her voice. She never ever babbled and only coo'd a few times in her short little life. Now she came through transition it seems. Acting much like a 5 month old in many respects. She became found of her hands and watched them contently for several minutes at a time. She had always used her hands developmentally picking up items and such but till a couple of weeks ago I don't think she made the cognitive connection. It was brilliant to see her so fascinated in them. She began then to talk to her hands and she held conversations with them like long lost friends! Daddy and I were in awe of her new found affection toward something. Thus began her continuous and glorious ramblings, letting out all that she has been wanting to say the last 11 months of her life. Whats amazing is her to see her smile and the way her bottom gum sticks out as she talks, much different than her siblings. I have been trying to foster her skills to learn how to stand along furniture and toys and much to displeasure always showed her disgruntled side and dis-may. There is not much you can do for Allyssa has she tends to want to do everything upon her very own discovery. She would squint and cry and whine at me whenever I would show her to do it. Then all of sudden just shortly after her talking and finding her hands she began to stand up along the couch, along my legs and just a few days ago stood up in her crib. Its her most favorite thing to do now. Before she would so elegantly pull down her crib bumper and yell at me. Now she can stand to do it. As I approach her crying crib each time I just laugh at her and just so proud, she quickly smiles back she knows what she is doing! Along these developments she has learn to do a full on stomach crunch from a laying position she will NOT use her hands she will crunch up to a sitting position. First time sitting up on her own without assistance. How does this little girl go from being so needy and clueless to having it all together in just a couple short weeks? I pointed this out to Daddy and told him of her new ability's. We both agree that she is way stronger abdominally than her brother. Even Austyn can't do that! Just may be the first thing she can do that he cant! She should be very proud, we are! Way to Go Allyssa our little preemie baby is growing and learning, finally making huge strides all on her own. So proud. Love you Princess.
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